Today has not been the best of days. First, I received some less than comforting news. News that creates a lot of unknowns (and therefore anxiety). Right on the heels that that not-so-good news, I had a devastating conversation with my ex. More plans unsettled. More insecurities stirred.
I hate feeling unsettled. I hate that my ex can still make me feel worthless (while somehow also blaming me for his choices). I hate that I don’t know what my next move will be.
So, I cried. All the way home. (And some at work…And some at home. There’s been a lot of crying this afternoon).
In the darkest hour, when I cannot breathe
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything is crashing down, everything I had known
When I wonder if I’m all alone
I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
“Remember” by Lauren Daigle
In the midst of my crying, I heard this song by Lauren Daigle. And I remembered. I remembered where I was last year, and how far I’ve come. I remembered the countless blessings God has bestowed. I remembered the peace that He has so freely granted. I remembered the grace that He so lavishly gave. I remembered that none of those things, the things that really matter, have changed.
I also remembered something else: the sermon I heard on Sunday, based on Philippians 4. The pastor put Philippians 4:13 in context with the rest of the chapter, and discussed how the secret to contentment is found in Christ’s strength. He made the point that, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” doesn’t mean that I’m going to have earthly success because I’m a Christian. Rather, Paul is connecting this verse to his previous claim – that he’s learned the secret to contentment in both prosperous times and times of deficiency. That secret is Christ.
How does this connect to my rotten day? As much as I want stability in my life, stability will not produce lasting contentment. As much as I want to stay in my house, the four walls around me will not produce lasting contentment. As much as I want only pleasant relationships, relationships will not produce lasting contentment. As much as I want to be over the pain of adultery and divorce, healing will not produce lasting contentment. As much as I want control, control will not produce last contentment. Only Christ will produce lasting contentment. I’m striving for what lasts. Today’s events, as significant as they feel, will only effect me temporarily.
I am praying for wisdom. I am praying for clarity and direction. I am praying for continued healing. While I pray, I am remembering who my God is. And I’m praising Him for His continued faithfulness.