I’m in a little bit of a funk today. There’s no one thing that caused my funk. I just feel off. And I’m anxious about some big things I’ve been praying over for a long time with no clear answer.
I feel like I’m always three steps behind where I need to be.
I feel like I drop the ball way too often.
I feel like I just can’t pull it together.
I feel like, even when I do pull it together, someone else’s poor decisions undermind my hard work to make good choices.
I know what you are thinking. Give yourself a break. No one is perfect. If you were telling me these things, that’s what I’d say to you.
Except, today, I don’t feel like giving myself a break.
I took all these feelings, I grabbed Daisy, and I went for a walk. I felt that I just needed some time and space to get perspective. I felt that I needed time to pray. I started with my music and just began talking to God.
Then, I felt that my prayers were starting to circle. So I decided to listen to Scripture instead. I’m doing a study on Philippians, so I listened to the entire book while I walked.
There is a lot of truth in Philippians. It’s one of my favorite books. I nodded in agreement with Paul on many points, remembering that my calling is something bigger than this moment. Remembering that my purpose is not performance but relationship. Remembering to focus on eternity. Remembering that no one has ‘arrived,’ but rather we are all pressing towards the prize. Together.
Here’s what really hit me, though. Paul talks about rejoicing. He talks about joy. He talks about peace. He talks about contentment. He doesn’t talk about these things as feelings or emotions, though. He talks about them as states of being. He talks about them as gifts coming from God. He talks about them as results of a growing relationship with God.
Honestly, I didn’t end my walk feeling any different. I did end my walk remembering that my feelings don’t determine what is true, though. I may be having an off day – we all have them. But my joy and peace don’t depend on my emotions. These are gracious gifts given to me freely. They are mine to hold. My God is a good God.