This is not the post I planned on writing.
I normally take some time to really think about what I’m going to write, how to best convey my story, and pray about how God can use my words. Tonight, I’m just writing.
I’m having a rough night. You know, if I can speak candidly, there are some things that just flat-out suck.
I received some news that I wasn’t prepared for. Bad news. Not surprising news, but it came to me in a surprising way. News that there’s just no way to truly be prepared for no matter how much you try. It washed over me slowly, first shock, then anger, then the queasy feeling in my stomach that has become all too familiar over the last year and a half. Tears filled my eyes. The urge to smash things grew (I fought it successfully though). I attempted to continue about my evening as if nothing was wrong. I texted a few friends the news and anticipated their responses. And my house was still and silent.
Somewhere in those quiet moments while I waited for responses, a single phrase came to mind – “You steer where you stare.” I focused my thoughts on that phrase. Where am I staring?
I am so thankful for the Psalms. The various writers pour out all sorts of emotions to God. My devotions this morning were based on Psalm 88 – a lament to God in a time of extreme emotional distress. The Psalmist questions if God has left him. He feels alone, forgotten, and abandoned. I’ve felt that way many times. But as I reread those words and looked around my study, I realized that tonight isn’t one of those nights. God has been good to me. My mind revisited the many, many, many blessings He has showered on me. Things I don’t deserve. Things I could never earn. Things I can never repay. As terrible as I feel about this particular moment and circumstance, God’s presence is too palpable for me to feel alone right now.
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
2 Timothy 2:13
if we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself.
No matter my circumstances, God is faithful. People may betray – but God does not. People may abandon – but God does not. People may be unfaithful – but God is ALWAYS faithful.
I am at a crossroads. Where do I want to go? Where do I want to fix my gaze? I can’t change the circumstances, but I can make choices about how they influence me.
I can focus on what has been lost and what has been taken. Down that road is fear, anger, anxiety, and bitterness.
I can focus on who God is. Down that road is peace and freedom. Down that road is joy. That road leads to God’s promises. That is the road I choose.
God is good. Always.